Post by Yamanaka Ino on Jul 15, 2008 10:56:07 GMT -5
This is something that a friend sent me; I thought it was hilarious... nothing better than a blonde attorney, no? Enjoy.
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American
> > Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
> > word for word, taken down and now published by court
> > reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> > these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> > ________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
> > _______________ _______________________
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > WITNESS: Guess.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> > pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> > ____________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> > ______________________________________
> > --- And the best for last: --! -
> > AT TORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American
> > Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
> > word for word, taken down and now published by court
> > reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> > these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> > ________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
> > _______________ _______________________
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > WITNESS: Guess.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> > pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> > ____________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> > ______________________________________
> > --- And the best for last: --! -
> > AT TORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
